My raw thoughts

We were the strongest happiest couple you had ever seen. Always by each others side. Fooling around and creating the best memories. Planning our future together and loving unconditionally.
There were little things that chipped at our hearts but most of the time we could repair these chips. I would say there were a handful of things that couldn’t be repaired. Either because we were too stubborn or too damaged by what had happened.
Then the cancer came. That put a massive strain on our relationship, our work, our family, our friends, OUR LIVES. We tried to recover from it. Had a great Christmas and went into the New Year with a bullet proof plan.
Then the Covid came. We tried to stop it with our mind with our voices. But it just kept coming. We tried to stop it with our stubbornness, with our creativity, with our optimism. But it consumed us. It wrapped us up so tight we suffocated. Every now and then we would break through the walls covid had built but it was too quick. It would build the walls up again and again. Stronger and taller each time. Eventually the walls crumbled. The crumbled on top of us. We made our way out of the ruble but we were damaged. We were exhausted. We had cuts and bruises and broken hearts. Broken emotions. We stumbled down the pile of rubble trying to stay on our feet. My legs felt strong, my mind determined. He didn’t feel the same. I did not know this. Was it ever true?
My last efforts to walk out of the ruins and into a peaceful, colourful meadow were ruined. Covid came back to haunt us and I was too weak. Covid had infiltrated my body and mind. He only saw the desease in me and not me. I tried to explain but his judgement was clouded. Red mist encapsulated him, comforted him.
We took a time out at Chriatmas. Time to cool down. Time for the covid to make its exit and the red mist to fade away.
If you thought we were damaged before you should have seen us then. A last warning. He didn’t believe it.
Fake love was all that was left. The fear of throwing away 5 years of some of the best times of my life. My soul mate who I had planned the rest of my life with. My partner in crime creating memories and laughing till our stomachs hurt.
But he wasn’t this anymore.
He was once.
But he wasn’t this anymore.
I gathered up the tears, the broken emotions, the memories and the arguments. Rolled them into a ball. I told him I didn’t love him anymore. I tried my best to explain why.
He didn’t believe me. He though it was my brain speaking and not my heart. He made me question my decision. He made me question my decision for the next three months. Until I finally put my foot down. I was dizzy. All I was seeing was circles. I saw no end. Just the same turns. The same precise turns. Over and over again.
I didnt have to see him. I didn’t have to speak to him. I didn’t have to think about him.
I started to feel happy again. But happiness only creates space for more stress. Was I truly happy. To be honest no. But I knew I was in a better place. I was in the strongest position I had been in my whole life. A scary position. Months of planning and I am so nearly there. So near to achieving happiness. I can feel it. It’s there it is so close. I was so close I even made piece with my demons. He was negative energy and I didn’t need it.
But he didn’t reply this time. That’s fine. That is his decision.
Then comes his day. He looks so happy. Why wasn’t he this happy with me? He is spending time with his friends. Why didn’t he do this when he was with me? I know it hasn’t been easy for him. I know through our friends. I gave him so many opportunities for him to be happy. I never held him back. I encouraged him to see his friends. I must have been the problem. I must have made him like that. I never wanted that to happen. That was never my intention.
So what do I do?

Questions I asked myself.

Did the Cancer do this?

Did the Covid do this?

Did I do this?

Am I capable of such a thing?

Am I ever worthy of love again?

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