So on Friday (23rd July 2021) I had a little wobble with my mental health. I had a blood test as part of my regular check ups whilst in remission before next Thursday (29th July 2021) when I have my telephone consultation. Everything should be fine. I feel fine. However as soon as I walked into the hospital I got very emotional. I havent been to the hospital in ages and it all hit me at once. The smells and sights and familiar faces of staff who didn’t recognise me but I recognised them. The cleaner who always wore her glasses around her neck. The moody cafe staff. The male nurse from radiology. It all came rushing back so quickly I was so overwhelmed.
I booked myself in at phlebotomy and was called through shortly after. As soon as I sat down I saw the needles and just couldn’t cope. I instantly started to tear up as I remembered all the needles I had stuck in me during treatment. All the bad memories. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop myself thinking about it. It can seem like such a petty fear but it’s real.
Work is stressful. The commute is very long and the workload is crazy. It can get a bit too much when I’m thinking about the cancer as well as work. It sometimes may take a few minutes, hours or even days to get over these little bumps in the road but I eventually do. I try to refocus my mind and just keep myself occupied but going to the gym, going for walks or just keeping myself busy outside of work. If I give myself too much time to think I just drive myself crazy. Writing about my breakdowns also helps. It just organises my thoughts.