What a crazy time it has been since I last updated this. The world went crazy. I went crazy. So here is my mega update for you all.
Firstly I’m doing fine. I’m back to work on normal hours and normal duties. I have had regular blood tests and everything is looking good so far. I have got about 9 months left until I should hopefully be in the all clear. I have another blood test at the end of July and hopefully this should be fine. I’m always nervous before a blood test and I think I will be until I am in the clear. I can get quite emotional and my thoughts are always all over the place. I’ve learnt to accept this and just keep going with the flow.
Secondly, Jack and I broke up. Last year, 2020, was very stressful for us. After finishing chemo I thought life was back on track and everything was looking up. Then in March 2020 when covid hit I got sent an awful text telling me I had to self isolate because I was in remission and classed as extremely clinically vulnerable. This put a massive strain on our relationship as we were just getting over the cancer. At Christmas I got covid from work and had to self isolate. Jack didn’t handle this well and instead of looking after me whilst I was ill he kept raving on that he would sue my work because I got covid and had apparently not made sure I had done everything to not get covid. This obviously didn’t go down well and I spent the rest of my Christmas at my parents house. I had started to rethink our relationship and how it was going downhill. After Christmas we had discussed things and I told him it was his last chance. Long story short, there were quite a few times in our relationship where Jack would have a go at me or where we would argue when I had done nothing wrong and it wasn’t fair. He knew he was in the wrong. After trying to save our relationship I gave up and in March 2021 I told Jack I didn’t want to be with him anymore. That I didn’t love him anymore. We had grown apart and I did not love him like I used to. I felt so guilty at the time because we had been through so much together but I knew it wasn’t working. The break up was difficult. Jack made it difficult. I eventually had to block his number and block him from social media.
Thirdly, I have been struggling with my mental health. I really struggled during isolation. I isolated for 20 weeks during 2020 from March to August and honestly it was so depressing. I felt useless and just so numb. I was fed up of the cancer controlling my life. I eventually decided to get help recently within the last few months when I had a breakdown before work. I needed help. I am still receiving help now. This help is in the form of counselling. I can speak about whatever I want. I talk through things and the lady I speak to is very kind. I’ve never met her face to face as the sessions are via telephone due to covid but they still help.
I can honestly say I feel so much happier now. I have come out of a relationship that wasn’t working. I am in the process of buying my own home. Work is still a bit touch and go but I am trying my hardest to make it work because I still love my job. I still love helping people and preventing and solving crime. I have always loved it and still do. I have a few issues with the politics and people I work with but i am learning to try and push past it without causing too much drama. My main goal in my career is to help people and to make a change for the good. I want the job to be a healthy place for people to work. I know this isn’t fully possible due to the fact we are dealing with another side of life only we see as officers, however our first priority is preservation of life. So why can this not be applied to ourselves?
I will do this job until I retire.
I love revisiting these blogs and I love seeing how many people have read it. There are people from every continent who have read what I have wrote. It is insane and I really hope it helps others going through a similar thing. I promise to try keeping this updated more often. Life has just been so busy and I got a bit confused but my head is nearly screwed back on and I’m getting there. Slowly but surely.