I enjoyed Brussels and Christmas and New Year. I started back at work. I went back to normality. That’s what it looked like physically. Inside I knew I would always be worried that I would be part of that 10% chance of the leukaemia returning. I still had follow up appointments reminding me that I had gone through 9 months of pain and suffering but also reminding me I had fought off the cancer. Until you’ve had cancer you don’t know what it’s like. I didn’t have a terminal diagnosis but I was very ill. It was silly because some nights when I fell asleep feeling like crap I was worried I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. It sounds silly I know but that’s just how I felt. I was worried about going back to work and not fitting in because I was so out of touch about everything. I was worried I’d make mistakes and my colleagues would give up on me. Again I know it sounds silly but that’s just how this whole thing has affected me.
Most of the time the worrying actually helps me overcome whatever it is because I don’t want to let it overcome me. But there are some times where it does overcome me.
Below is a list of emotions I felt during my experience
Shock- One of the emotions I didn’t feel much but played a big part. The shock took place when I realised my life got flipped upside down and twisted and warped into a life I had never dreamed of and never wanted. I was always active and a go getter so being in a hospital bed for a month and having restrictions on pretty much everything really didn’t go down well.
Frustration- I get frustrated when I get confused, can’t understand something or if somethings not going to plan. Frustration is annoying and tedious. Frustration is like a little dude in my head constantly poking me until I get angry and blow. I can control my attitude and behaviour during frustration but it can eventually turn into anger.
Fear- I feared a lot. But. I don’t know. This is hard to explain so just stick with me on this one. I wasn’t scared about dying. I knew I wasn’t going to die. I don’t know if I was being naive at this point, probably I have a tendency to do that in sometimes. I feared that my career wouldn’t be the same. I feared my home and family life wouldn’t be the same. I feared I wouldn’t be the same and I wouldn’t be able to do the things I loved for a long time. Again this whole thing puts restrictions on everything so I feared those restrictions would get the better of me.
Confusion- I was confused as to why this has happened to me now and why me at all. I had just started my dream career and this massive boulder called cancer comes and completely wiped me out, launching me into the universe of cancer.
Sadness- of course sadness. Everyone feels it in their different ways but it’s always there. It’s natural and I cried A LOT. But these came in short bursts. It was my way of letting go. Some people punch walls. I cry. That’s just me.
Anger- I didn’t get angry until I was in the third week. For me anger and frustration is different. I handle them differently. I get angry when I can’t handle it any more. I shut everything and everyone out and go on an emotional rampage.
Patience- I didn’t think I’d write this. I’m writing about this at the end of my chemo. The rest were written during the points I was most feeling them. You have got to have patience. I believe I was patient for the most of it, because I had to be, but patience can get tedious as well. So had to distract myself from the thoughts that would creep in whilst I was being patient.